Recently, I was listening to a TV show and heard the speakers talking about how beautiful someone was. Around me in different places, I hear people talk about others and how they are pretty or attractive, or sometimes (sadly) how unattractive some people are. We see magazines and photos of actors/actresses/famous people who have been named the most attractive of the year, and so on. And, it isn’t that I think these people are unattractive, but I just started thinking about who or what determines a person’s beauty. Well, as you may or may not know (but you’ll soon find out), I tend to overthink things sometimes… and, well, I guess this is one case of overthinking… or is it? (Sometimes I think I think too much… lol!)
Now, I can’t say I don’t find some people more physically attractive than others because I do. Each of us has certain physical features which are more attractive to us personally than they are to others. Some people like noses, some like “toes-es,” and others like things in between. (Trying to keep it clean, folks… lol!)
So, I’m not here to debate what is beautiful because that is a very subjective topic, as well as a potentially slippery slope. But, when I started thinking about this topic more seriously, I began to wonder about some things. One of them being why did it matter that the speaker thought that person was beautiful… Then that thought turned into ‘who defines beauty?’ Then it led to ‘who defines MY beauty?’ And, maybe for this post you might ask yourself ‘who defines YOUR beauty?’
(As I have given this post much thought and consideration, writing and rewriting, deleting and editing, I have decided that I will try to keep this fairly simple. Sometimes the best things are said simply. And, FYI, this article is about myself and my journey but, if you feel it is helpful to you, please feel free to give it more thought and consideration.)
Now that I had “the ol’ bean rolling around in my noggin” (a country phrase if ever there was one), the thoughts just kept coming. Things like… Why do I let others’ opinions affect me so much? Does that person have my best interests in mind? Does that person really have a right to affect my life? my life choices? my future? my decisions? Do they encourage me? Do they lift me up? Are they my “cheerleader?” Do they support me? If not, then let… it… go!!! Let their opinion of you go. If that person falls outside of the questions above, their opinion of me should not matter. It should not carry any weight in my life. Now, I hope that doesn’t sound callous or heartless but, realistically, if they don’t care about me or my well-being, then should I allow them to impact my view of myself? Read on.
When I was growing up, I remember being teased by some of my school mates about my red hair and glasses. I heard all the Woody Woodpecker and four-eyes jokes and comments. I was told by one teacher that he’d “rather be dead than red on the head.” I was told by one boy that I was in his dreams… and then he said, “it was a real nightmare.” As I got older, I really wanted (and needed) to figure out why those things bothered me so much. For me, I believe it was because I wanted and needed to be accepted. But, more than being accepted by others… maybe I needed to… ummm…. accept myself. Ouch! Did I really just say that? Yep! That was a difficult time in my life. (If you haven’t read my post about loving yourself, that post is good background info for this post. Click here to go to that post.)
Once I reached the point of loving and accepting myself, even with all my flaws, mistakes, bad choices, and everything else in my past, I realized that what I thought about myself was MOST important. And, yes, I still have to remind myself of this sometimes. Self-esteem and self-confidence need to be refueled regularly.
Now that I’m older, I understand that, while I may still want to be accepted by others, I need to determine if that person is someone who DESERVES a place in my life. Does that person DESERVE my time, energy and emotion? Are they someone who’s opinion of me matters? Following is a summation of something that helped me tremendously!
Through the years, I have listened to a variety of self-help audiobooks. One book that I listened to, many years ago, talked about circles. (I can not recall the title but the author was Bryan Flanagan.) Flanagan described three circles in our lives: an inner circle, middle circle and the outer circle. (I believe there are similar stories about circles available on the web by other speakers/authors as well.)
The first, and most important, is the inner circle. These are the people who lift you up, encourage you, remind you that you can do great things, etc. This circle will be about 4-6 people who are closest to you. They care deeply about you and your well-being. They are the ones who are your cheerleaders. They are the ones you tell your deepest, darkest secrets and your most outrageous dreams. They are the ones you should listen to when you need advice because they will tell you the truth, even if it’s a little painful and difficult. But, they’ll also help you pick up the pieces if/when everything falls apart. They are the ones who have “got your back” and who will answer your 2 a.m. call for help.
The second circle is the people who are in your life, but not an important part of your life. These could be coworkers, neighbors, extended family, etc. This group is made up of people you interact with routinely but you don’t share with them your personal issues, darkest secrets or biggest dreams, etc. The people in this circle may or may not support you or encourage you. You don’t spend a lot of intimate time with them but they are in your life regularly.
Finally, the outside circle. These are all other people you may or may not know. This may be the customer in your check-out line at work. Or, the person you talk to about the weather while you’re in line at the post office. It could be the person on the treadmill next to you at the gym. These people do not influence or impact your life.
So, to bring this back around to the topic at hand, who defines MY beauty? Or, more appropriately, who should I LET define MY beauty? If I am letting people outside of my inner circle influence and impact my view of myself, it may be time for me to refocus. If the people I have allowed into my inner circle are not supporting me or building me up, it may be time to reevaluate their place/priority in my life. It may be difficult but here’s the reality of the matter… I DESERVE to have people around me that have earned the PRIVILEGE of helping me define MY beauty!
I have never considered myself to be a “beautiful” person. I have struggled for many, many years with insecurities about how I look, act, talk, and other things. And, quite honestly, I still do some days. But, through the friends and family in my “inner circle,” I have learned that I am a kind, caring and giving person. I am compassionate, empathetic, loyal and trustworthy. For me, these are the qualities that are important and they make me beautiful. Maybe that thought is what sparked my thoughts on this and why I feel compelled to share it here.
And, as I mentioned in my “About Me” info, I write a lot of these posts to encourage myself as much as I do to encourage others. I wish you the best in your journey. I hope that something I share may help you see yourself more positively.
Thanks for stopping by.
Take care!
Rebecca ~~<3~~
DISCLAIMER: I am not a therapist. I am not giving advice. I am only sharing my personal experiences, thoughts and my journey to self-love. Maybe the information shared will encourage others to seek help to learn to love themselves more and to define their own beauty.